I haven’t posted in a while. Things have been quite bad, to be honest. They are better-ish now. I lost the market job a week after getting it because, although I was happier than ever for a week, my mood crashed-and-burned and I was unable to go to any more shifts. I feel pathetic. It was last minute time-changes, long hours and the bad foot pain, as well as the wanting-to-die-type thoughts, that stopped me I guess. Ugh. Since then I have applied for a load more jobs, (I would say around 50-60ish, seriously – I live in London, there are quite a few out there and in that respect I am very fortunate, but only around half the jobs I applied for are actually feasible – I just want people to see my CV and a recruitment company actually found me – maybe in part to my high level of job-searching activity, I dunno) but not got anything as of yet. I’ve had a few interviews, and I have another one scheduled for tomorrow. It is sort of very out of my league, but I passed their CV screening process… It would be a huge confidence/self-esteem boost to actually get a job sometime soon. Also, I worry that if I don’t start earning money soon, there will be no justification for me staying in London and I want to live with my Shiny Friend and I love London and I don’t want to move back home permanently.
I just don’t know what to do. I’m fed up of feeling like crap and wanting to keel over or hurt myself. I don’t want to feel this way, but I feel sometimes as if people think I’m not trying hard enough to get better. I feel like I’m not trying hard enough. I feel like a failure, I have lost the future I was once secure in. I have lost job prospects and opportunities, and friendships too. The past few weeks especially I have felt uncomfortable here in my student house. My housemates all still study the Chemistry degree that I was doing, so my house has been Stress Central. Also, I am totally avoided – because I don’t understand as a result of not doing exams at the moment / I’m just sitting around doing nothing, they wish they were / I’m depressed and that makes me scary? I don’t know. I know they are stressed and I get that. I am sad at being totally ignored some days – I do understand what it is like because I have done uni exams before, I am not doing nothing I am suffering with depression and damnit I’m far more scared by this than anyone else should be! One of my housemates has made an effort and has been as supportive as possible. But, when you are studying for chemistry exams, there is obviously not much time for supporting others! Sigh. Things will get better soon – maybe I can get a job, and there will be a lot less stress in the house now that exam season is drawing to a close, I suppose.
I was meant to have a CBT appointment today. Because I cancelled 2 appointments at the last minute (I couldn’t go to my treatment for depression because I was, um, depressed) I have been discharged from the mental health service in my area. I now have to go to my GP, maybe mention my self-harm. Maybe tell her how crap I feel. Problem is, I haven’t seen her since I practically skipped in her office to exclaim, ‘whoopee! I have a job!’… which I lost the next day.. Sigh. I have to see her soon anyway to get another prescription for my antidepressants anyway. Yuck. I hate the pity-face, and the ‘you just need to make a few lifestyle changes..’ (like, get out of bed and don’t act depressed… easier said than done, right?). Ugh.
In other, happier news, I have become friends with my sewing machine. I made a cover for it and a handbag and a bear and another bear and a stuffed dog! I like sewing, it has been really good to go family-home and sew, but makes it worse when I have to leave and go London-home (my room is too small to keep it here, and my desk is no way big enough). And I feel like my being at home stresses at least my mum out. And my nan tells me what degree I should do next/what job so-and-so got after doing a degree or tells me I’m fat and says what I should or shouldn’t eat. Helpful – not. I hate feeling so dependent on others, I feel like the last 6 months have been me taking retrograde steps – I’m much less independent and don’t feel so mature anymore. I really just don’t like me.
!! Hyperbole and a Half is back! Yippee! – I really relate to the author’s description of depression, and am so pleased to see it back as it makes me smile !!
Anyway, ranty-update over. I’m off to go try to act less-depressed –sigh.